Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
