I should be sponsored by Trojan
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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