Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
