So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
