The maid of honor just puked.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
