So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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