i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
