Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
