paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
