I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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