true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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