I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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