I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
