His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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