Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
