Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
