i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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