i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
