my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
