when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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