Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
