When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
