So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
