I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
