Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
