based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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