Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Randomize
