just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
my sisters under your porch take her home
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
