You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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