my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize