i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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