If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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