Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
