Just fell off a train. Bad.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
