I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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