we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
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You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
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Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
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