You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
