Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
a search helicopter?!
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
