i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
