Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
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