She went from zero to smokin in five shots
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
