I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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