I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
