can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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