we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
me + whiskey = a bad person
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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