walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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