I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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