found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
