i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
