yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
