i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I feel like abortions should bother me more
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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