i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He better not be in your backpack
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
