After last night, I could never be a politician.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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