you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
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