I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
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As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
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You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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